Stephen Wright is a funny man

I saw a stand up routine by Stephen Wright on TV when I was in high school. He was so funny. Have you seen him? He walked around on stage with a bewildered expression on his face and said his one-liners with a dead-pan tone of voice. Here are some of my favorites:

*I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
*Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
*What's another word for "thesaurus"?
*When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
*For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
*I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"
*I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
*My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
*Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
*There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
*How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
*I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
*I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
*I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
*I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.